Handbook for the Hellbound

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Articles: 1-30, 31-60

Like A Rat Out Of Hell
2007-08-28 13:58:00
"You can joke about anything, as long as it's funny." - George Carlin It's very rare that I'll drop a quote into my shit, but if I'm going to quote anybody, who better than the great George Carlin? Besides, it's pertinent to what I'm about to write. It's also very rare that I'll touch on anything 'topical' in my shit. I wrote something about Chris Benoit once (while grossly inebriated) and it fucking sucked. If you're looking for something topical, you're a long way from Candyland, nigga.Those of you outside of New Zealand might not be familiar with this story that cropped up a week ago. If you can't be arsed clicking on the link, here's the story in a nutshell: shitty, sub-par pizza company makes a billboard featuring Hitler (Adolf Hitler, of course, not to be confused with scat-porn superstar Arnold Hitler) saluting with a pizza slice, controversy ensues."Aha ha ha ha!! It's Hitler!! And he's saluting... with a pizza slice!! Aha ha ha ha!! That's hilarious!! Beca...

Damn All You Sexy Fat Children!
2007-08-19 05:54:00
I'd like to think that apart from the poo-poo splatter-platter of blasphemous toilet humour I usually dish up, I'm in a position to perform something of a public service from time to time, while I have your collective attention. Now, I'm not usually prone to hysteria or wild speculation, but listen carefully to what I have to tell you, as it may very well save your life and the elasticity of your child?s pancreas.Pedophiles are everywhere. Believe the hype! Look outside your window... see that guy with dark hair and jeans? Pedophile! The old guy standing behind you in the express line of the supermarket the other day? Pedophile! As you're reading this right now, there may very well be Pedophiles living next door to you, hiding in your crawl-space, linen cupboard or even hiding in your breakfast cereal! They're everywhere! In fact, you might even be a Pedophile and not know it!Fortunately, your ol' buddy Jon is here to the rescue. I've put my thinking cap on, analyzed the data...

Pray For Brazilian Pancakes With A Side Of Black Pepper
2007-08-17 10:31:00
I remember something my Mum always told me (and still tells me to this day) when she was confronted with my distinctive, low-brow (and might I add, fucking Pulitzer-worthy) brand of toilet humour... "Ladies don't appreciate that sort of disgusting filth!" According to dear old Mum, the mere mention of a four-letter word or the faintest suggestion of acts such as clit-wanking, turkey-slapping or the Brazilian Pancake* would be enough to give any member of the 'fairer' sex a cardiac arrest, a cerebral hemorrhage and a fatal constriction of the turd-cutter all at once.Yeah? Well fuck you, Mum! Have I got news for you! Besides my homies and fellow Atheist pundit Godless Kiwi (who I secretly hope is a short, dorky-looking chick with dark hair and a cruel, sarcastic sense of humour, yet suspect has a bigger dick than I do,) most of the people who read my shit are females. Females of the opposite gender, no less. Not to be confused with females of the same gender, like Buck Angel - the ...

Render Unto Caesar What Caeser (In This Case, Me) Demands
2007-08-16 14:13:00
Moderation is the key to everything. Masturbating with a fist-full of Vaseline is great every once in a while, on a special occasion such as your birthday, daylight savings or when you've just downloaded Ass Academy II: Fuck My Hungry Bum. That said, if you do it all the time (like I've been doing lately,) you'll never want to stroke off the 'regular' way again.If you can't afford Vaseline, Motor Oil is an excellent substitute for a smooth, frictionless tug. Once the tub of Vaseline my homie Rob gave me for my birthday runs out, I'm going to be one itchy little fist-fucker. It'll take a while to re-acclimatize myself to the dry, sandpapery feeling of my bare, hairy hands scraping mercilessly against the throbbing shaft of my thick, uncircumcised cock.As I'm broke (translation: I don't really fancy paying for a legitimate copy) I'm in the process of downloading Civilization IV. I love all those empire-building/strategy type games. They always make me think about how much b...

Keepin' It In The Family
2007-08-14 11:23:00
Dear Reader (this means you), I've been one lazy nigga lately, with one thing and another. Let me make it up to you by reading to you from my inbox. If you've been reading for any length of time, you'll know how I feel about the New Zealand Comedian's Guild, of which I am, unfortunately, a member. I haven't been shy about the fact that I have no love for those ass-clowns. With the exception of the hilarious and earmuff-worthy-thigh-having T.M. Bishop, of course. T.M., I'm going to chili-dog* you one of these days, girl. Don't fight that shit. Just let it happen.Just when I thought I'd put those unionized hacks out of my mind, I found this in my e-mail inbox... -----/-----/----- Hello fellow comedians, I'm just writing to let you know that I am producing a new comedy show at the Classic Studio once a month. It is called "the Clean Comedy Show" and will appeal to a different target market than the Classic and other comedy gigs. I am hoping to draw people interested in...

Ante Up, Bitches... It's My Birthday! Well, Sort Of...
2007-08-11 04:35:00
As an Atheist, you know who I really, really hate? That's right... other Atheists! Fuck them! Fuck 'em right in the corn-hole 'til they scream 'Sweet Jesus!' and bleed seven shades of red death! Trust me... I?m going somewhere with this. Although they may be immune to lightning bolts and pwnage from the invisible man in the clouds, they are not immune to carrying the asshole gene. That's right, folks. Atheists are people too. People are often rude, boorish, inarticulate, thoughtless, short-fused and willfully ignorant. Call me a Sociopath (please do, as it sounds much friendlier than 'Psychopath'), but I don't care for people much. Although some of you may discriminate, I sure as shit don't. Nobody gets a free pass. There are many Atheists I'd happily push face-first into a belt-sander... not because they're Atheists, but because they're assholes.Anyway, I suppose two paragraphs is enough. Time to say something nice about my 'side,' if you will. Christian girls give ...

You Just Can't Make This Shit Up
2007-08-10 10:17:00
What the fuck is wrong with some of you people? Although I'm grateful for everybody that reads my shit, I've got a special knack for drawing the freaks, faggots, junkies and drunks like a priest to a pre-school. Sometimes it tickles me to no end to see what some of you sick fucks were looking for when you stumbled across my page. The following are some of the more amusing Google searches that have lead y'all to Handbook for the Hellbound, so here come the highlights...tony robbins donkey punch - I have to admit this would make a great cartoon! You might have had something else in mind, but in my scenario, Tony Robbins would be the punchee, rather than the puncher. Thanks for the killer suggestion and expect to see this cartoon very soon!grannies jacking off - I'm not going to tell you what's wrong with this one. If you can't nut out the basic anatomical problems here, I really can't help you. I'm not sure whether you were looking for (a) old men jacking off, (b) grannies jil...

Is Your Dog Going To Hell?
2007-08-09 14:16:00
Who the hell am I kidding? Every time I write an "I probably won't write anything for a while" entry, I usually crack within three hours. So, here I am. And here you are. Aside from all the shit I've got to nut out in the near future, there's a whole bunch of other shit that keeps me awake at night. Usually, as I lie half-awake on my piss-and-vomit-stained mattress, my aching nuts having long been emptied, my mind is overloaded with ridiculous hypothetical scenarios and fruitless speculation. For instance, in exchange for a portion of his godly powers, would I - as a card-carrying vanilla heterosexual - let Rob Halford smash me in the bum? Would he give me a Painkiller before he Rammed It Down my Point Of Entry, or would he just go in All Guns Blazing? I'm pretty sure that (being the Metal God) if Rob Halford wanted to pack his massive tool up anybody's ass, he could do a hell of a lot better than me. In the cold light of day, it's really not worth considering. At the risk of...

Although My Page May Look Like That Of Maddox, I Myself Am NOT Maddox And I
2007-08-09 10:55:00
Just a quick heads-up... I'm probably not going to be writing much (if anything) until (a) I get my shit sorted with my new place, (b) get a decent night's sleep, (c) eat something with bacon in it and (d) manage to jam a ballpoint pen more than two inches down the shaft of my urethra. Then again, this is the kind of shit I always say before I write something else, so maybe I'm just using a little reverse psychology here. But just in case I'm not, you're going to have to go somewhere else for entertainment......Which is where these guys come in. I was only going to give them a cursory mention, but I think they're so fucking awesome that they deserve a full-on plug. Straight out of Australia - where else? - I give you the band with the greatest name (and the greatest promo pics) ever known to man. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...FILTHY MAGGOTY CUNTAnd you can find them here. These guys - Sister Fister (Vocals/Guitar/Trannie), Cocksmoking Crackwhore (Bass/Vocals/Menstruation)...

Nutty Shit Scrapings And Diarrhea Of The Brain
2007-08-07 12:31:00
I'm not trying to pick on you Yanks, but there's some shit y'all need to sort out. Of course, I'm talking to the tourists and keyboard commandos who hover like vultures over message boards and YouTube comment spaces. As somebody who's never been to George W.'s magic kingdom, the amount of times I've heard a disgusting, loudmouthed gastropod chant the mantra "We saved your ass in World War II!" is mind-boggling.Hold on a minute there, cowboy... we? What's with this ?we? shit? Again, I'm not talking to all you guys, but I firmly believe there are Americans and there are Yanks (much like Chris Rock's infamous "Niggers vs. Black People" rant)... I'm talking to you Yanks. What is it with you guys trying to claim personal involvement in the actions of your Government or Military? Let's look at your bare-assed claim again, shall we?On top of the fact that you desperately need to un-wedge your head from your ass, read a fucking history book and give Churchill and Stalin (reprehe...

Another Slow News Day At Handbook For The Hellbound
2007-08-07 09:17:00
If there was a Devil (which there isn't, but I've got a lot more time for him than that horrible 'God' character, if only because the Devil gives the thumbs-up to bumsecks) he'd have a special place in Hell for degenerates like me who download music. Yeah, I cracked and downloaded Nile's new album, Ithyphallic. Yes, I'm aware that downloading music is 'wrong' and all that shit, but sometimes it's just so convenient. Maybe I just don't feel like driving half-way across town to the one record store in Christchurch that?s got a half-decent Death Metal selection, only to to duck and weave through a store full of boorish, inarticulate jackasses there to purchase 'fat beats', get eyed up like I'm going steal something by the clerks and finally, get ripped off for $45 for in 'import.' Apparently, although replicating copies of American bands like Tool and System Of A Down (who fucking suck) is doable, New Zealand has lost the technology to replicate CD copies of Death Meta...