Handbook for the Hellbound

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Articles: 1-30, 31-60

I Want A Girl Who'll Blast A Torrent Of Diarrhea Over The Head Of My Cock,
2007-11-07 06:34:00
Fuck? I wish I could suck my own dick! I just can?t believe how clever I am! Can you? Today at the video store, I managed to snag the very last copy of the Transformers movie. But here?s the kicker? I didn?t even feel like renting it. In fact, I might not even watch it. So, why would I rent it, you may ask? Simple. I arrived at the video store around midday. Seeing only one copy of Transformers on the shelf, I took the window of opportunity. No doubt there?ll be hordes of Transformer-sluts filing into the video store, just gagging to rent it. Now thanks to me, there are no more copies left! Ha ha ha! I can?t wait to watch shitty TV shows tonight while I just let that fucker sit on my coffee-table. To paraphrase the MasterCard commercial? New release video rental: $7.00Ruining it for other people gagging to see Transformers: Priceless With that shit out of the way, it?s about time I picked up where I left off. I?m going to do that by laying out something I should have t...

You?d Better (Verb) My (Adjective) (Noun), You (Adjective) (Noun) Or I?ll (
2007-11-05 10:36:00
First things first: If you?re downloading my shit (or reading it on a ?web-browser?), as opposed to buying the printed editions with glossy cartoons, three spelling errors per paragraph and ads for shit you don?t want between every page, then you?re a fucking THIEF! How dare you! I?ll wait right here while you delete all the shit you?ve bootlegged from me from your hard-drive, then we?ll talk.Downloading. It?s a thorny motherfucker of a constantly topical issue and as such, I?d do well to sidestep it. There are some folks who say downloading is killing the music industry, whereas others beg to differ. I, on the other hand (being the raging pussy that I am), would prefer to wait until all the evidence comes in before throwing my jimmy-hat into the ring.That said, until I see ?Gangsta? Rappers driving beat-up Hondas, wearing Salvation Army hand-me-downs and sipping cheap runoff beer from dirty coffee-cups sporting slogans like ?World?s Best Dad?, you?ll have to forgive me for being a ...

HFTH Special: The Sexiest Garbage-Men Of 2004
2007-10-30 13:26:00
That?s it? I?m moving back home! Until I left the comfort and security of Mum?s sleepout, I never realised how good I had it. For instance, I could leave my empty beer bottles on the floor, secure in the knowledge that Mum would come in, collect the empties, rinse them and put them in the recycling bin. At most, I?d get a light-hearted telling-off, but I?d still be eating chilli for dinner. I didn?t have to do shit when I lived with my parents, and it was great! I could just sit back, let the garbage, filth and soiled undergarments pile up as I wallowed in my own crapulence. Every few months, Mum would give me the lecture? if I didn?t clean my room, she was going to kick me out, and she fucking meant it this time! If I didn?t whip out the garbage-bags and the vacuum cleaner double-quick, my ass was off the City Mission to eat scraps, live in a box of old clothes and play blackjack with Peg-Leg Willy, the drunken, one-legged hobo who lost his right leg in Vietnam (on holida...

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Gingas?
2007-10-29 02:02:00
Confession time again, kiddies, and this one?s a biggun... are you ready for this one? Here it comes? I hate each and every one of my readers! Don?t even get me started on the pernickety, demanding cunts who subscribe to my RSS feed. And yes, this means you. I might not be able to figure out exactly how, but somehow, you (once again, yes, you, reading this right now) are directly or indirectly responsible for my shitty, lacklustre day-to-day life. As soon as I connect the dots and figure out why it?s your fault I?m living below my means in a dilapidated council flat, typing on a four-year-old computer and lugging an achingly full testicle sack, you?re a dead motherfucker! Until then, you?ve got some grace time - however short it may ultimately be - so I suggest you make the most of it. Just kidding? I love you guys! Can I have some money? I may not have been writing much over the last couple of weeks, but that?s not to say I haven?t been reading. With a clean slate on my lib...

A Pointless Entry I'll Probably Delete Later
2007-10-27 12:22:00
Sometimes there?s just nothing inparticular to write about, folks. Hence the lack of new entries over the last few days. Believe it or not, there?s no drama on my end? no broken bones, no burglaries, house-fires, deaths in the family or extraterrestrial abductions complete with marathon gang-probing sessions. That, and I just had a damn good pull an hour ago, so my balls are nice and empty, just like I like ?em. As lame as an ?I haven?t been writing a lot lately, so I?ll write an explanation about why I haven?t been writing as a new entry!? entry is, while I?ve got your ear, allow me to direct your attention to some shit I?ve been fiddling around with. Hang on to your rubber underpants, kiddies? I?m taking this motherfucker to a whole ?nother level! Notice ? if you will ? the brand-spanking new Google Translation button just under the banner over there. It probably doesn?t translate for shit (I?m hoping for an anus-load of comical ?Engrish?), the idea of spreading filth acr...

Gargle My Lady-Goo: A Lesson In The Art Of Cellphone Baiting
2007-10-23 05:03:00
Prelude: I’d normally be loathe to pimp out somebody else like this, but in this case, he just happens to be gagging for the cock! I can’t remember how I came across his writing (I may or may not have been searching for something about piss enemas… that’s neither here nor there), but after devouring his entire back catalogue, I feel spent, violated and deeply unsure of my own sexuality... in the most disgustingly hilarious way. I might have also spooged a little in my underoos, but that’s neither here nor there either. So, if you haven’t already, check out Gaypig’s Weblog and witness the masterful skill of a real filth-monger! Once in a while, the grey skies part and drop something really great into your lap. You win a few bucks on a scratchie, the girl across the road drops the charges against you (stalking, my ass) or perhaps that bitter old cunt Aunt Gladys drops dead, leaving you an awesome collection of ceramic pigs. Maybe you’re just in the right place at th...

How Do You Cock-Suckers Sleep At Night?!
2007-10-21 03:39:00
Money. It’s nice to have, but it’s nothing you want to obsess over and lose your shit about. Being a little on the brown side of ripe (at the age of 26), I’ve decided that I’ve made enough mistakes of my own. It’s about time I started learning from other people’s fuck-ups. So, here’s what I’ve learned about managing my finances. All you aspiring Bums, hold onto your hats… you’re about to get bukakked with shit-hot financial advice! Rather than hustling, scamming, slangin’, bangin’ or (god forbid) working for a little extra foldy-shit, I’m better off learning to stretch my weekly pittance. If it comes to eating ninety-nine cent macaroni and cheese, rolling butts for a day or two and using my imagination (in lieu of new porn) for stroking material, so be it. Even if I had more money, I’d probably blow it at the race-track, buy drink after drink for girls who’ve got no intention of fucking me at the end of the night or spend it on stupid shit, like tha...

Pound Me A Brand New Vag!
2007-10-19 10:34:00
I’ve got yet another confession to make, dear reader. Believe it or not, I have never, ever used a pick-up line in my life. Ever. With my dick is as dry as a John Cleese monologue, I fear I may have to start. Incidentally, I promise that the previous sentence is as close as I’ll ever get to Dennis Miller territory. Let’s face it… Dennis Miller makes some guy you’ve never heard of look like some guy you don’t give a fuck about, because you (a) don’t follow politics or (b) never read Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Ha ha ha! That’s funny! The fact that Dennis Miller licks a cement-mixer full of ass (which he does) aside, I’ve put on my thinking cap, expanded my brain with the learning-juice that is Steinlager and come up with a few juicy, moist quips that (I’m hoping) will make the hos’ fannies damp for yours truly. Frankly, it’ll be a miracle if I don’t get slapped at least a few times busting out these clit-splitters, but you can’t make a Spanish Omelette ...

A Freebie For Your Ungrateful Asses
2007-10-15 09:50:00
For the ordinary white-collar schmoe like you, million-dollar ideas come along once in a lifetime, if you?re lucky. That?s why you?re reading my page from a shitty cubicle. As for me, I?m good for shitting out at least one or two of them a week. Normally when I hit upon an idea as brilliant as the one I?m about to lay out for your ungrateful ass, I?ll scribble it furiously into a notebook, throw it in the closet with my Beach Bum Barry and save it for the day I?ve got the money to pull it off. Because I?m in a giving mood, dear reader, I?m going to let you have this one for free! Also, as I don?t know dick about programming, HTML or webpage design and it?s an idea for a website that everybody will want to visit, there?s not much point in me keeping this one under my hat. I might as well throw it out there for any aspiring programmers, at the same time being sure to copyright it, thus securing myself a juicy little nest-egg on the back of somebody else?s hard work. Are you ready?...

The Super-Secret Art Of Jon Kune Do (How To Be A Man)
2007-10-14 12:48:00
A few months ago when the America?s Cup was in full swing, I thought I?d finally hit bottom and witnessed the single most boring, pointless excuse for a sport known to man. It?s boring enough being in a boat? I still can?t figure out why in the hell anybody would want to watch them race. But oh, how wrong I was. As much ass as boating licks (make no mistake... it licks an wheelbarrow-load of ass), it can always get worse. The world continues to find new and unique ways to disappoint me? Last night, I did something I wouldn?t normally do. After that was finished and I rode out the thirty minutes of pissing razor-blades, I cleaned off the gooey brown discharge and headed to the video store, where I took a chance on something I?d never seen before? UFC 61: Bitter Rivals. As a Bum who only gets about two or three very fuzzy basic channels on his beat-up antique of a Television, I don?t have Sky, Pay-Per-View or any of that shit rich people have (like food, real coffee, insuranc...

The Devil Dared Me To Write This Movie Review
2007-10-14 02:29:00
First things first? If you work at The Palms Movie Theatre and you?re reading this, it wasn?t us that left all those empty beer bottles lying around the other night. It wasn?t us who emptied our dicks all over the third-story car park. It wasn?t us hooting, hollering and swearing in the back row of the theatre and it definitely wasn?t us that punched through the glass on the fire alarm. That?s right? it wasn?t me, it wasn?t my homie Glen with his deceptively empty dick, nor Rhys (who clinked with every footstep) and it sure as shit wasn?t my homie Rob with his potty mouth and dripping bloody knuckles. Don't let the circumstantial evidence fool you. Hey, would I lie to you? That said, if you?re the Ticket Booth Girl who worked on Thursday night around eight o?clock and laughed at my oh-so-saucy quip about owing Glen a dollar-fifty, I?d very much like to bum-rape you in the ear... with your kind permission, of course. I only mention this as you?ve got an ass that looks too g...

Send In The Clones (Biotech Is Jonzilla)
2007-10-09 14:04:00
How awesome would it be to have a clone? You might be tempted to think that I’d get a little more writing done if I had one, but if anything, I’d probably be writing less. Hell, I’m pretty hard-up for good conversation around these parts (what with neighbours obsessed with kicking and rapping, stealing medication from the Elderly and rooting their cats), so chances are I’d spend most of my time getting drunk and watching re-runs of King of the Hill with my clone. Sure, it’d be fun for the first few days, until the money and the beer ran out. I’m a thirsty motherfucker at the best of times, so I’d imagine my clone (Jon 2.0) would be doubly so. Sooner or later, we’d be bound to get into a fight about something and quite frankly, I’m so out of shape that I’m not sure if I could kick my own ass, should the need arise. One good nipple-cripple and I’d be a dead man. Cloning also raises another issue (and I’d imagine you saw this one coming a mile away)… if you...

You Want Cartoons? Shove THIS Up Your Shit-Pipe!!
2007-10-08 14:33:00
All right, all right… I can take a hint. At the risk of a full-blown mutiny and having my subscribers drop off like flies (which they tend to do on a cyclical basis anyway, whenever I write something really disgusting, but hey... fuck them if they can't take a joke!), I’m going to cave into what very well may be overwhelming demand. Believe it or not, I did have a kick-ass idea for a cartoon last entry. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite pan out, so I had to run it sans cartoon. But let me make it up to you with this piece of shit I cobbled together a few hours ago. I think it speaks for itself and I’d like to dedicate it to a very special person. Despite the fact that he thinks my page is (and I quote) “The worst fucking page on the internet�, I know he’s reading this. I can see him all over my site meter and I can smell his virgin butt-pussy from here. So, here’s to you, my faithful detractor who just can’t stop reading my shit… I know you're just gagging for ...

Holidays Are Over... Back To School, You Obnoxious Little Cunts!
2007-10-08 02:24:00
Aren’t you glad that the school holidays are over? For a Bum like me, it means no longer enduring the audio-visual knitting-needle up the dick that was the shitty, mid-day “School Holiday� movies, many of which featured the Olsen Twins. From here on, it’s re-runs of Desperate Housewives and The Drew Carey Show… the good shit! Oh, Mr. Carey… how I’ve missed your self-depreciating, bucolic, blue-collar humour! As an aside, I’ll have a lot more breathing room while I’m running errands at the mall. For the last two weeks, I couldn’t swing a dead kid without knocking over a few live ones, and it was too much for one man to bear. The worst thing about all that sweet, succulent, jiggling boy-flesh on display was not being able to grab a fistful, thanks to the constant Parental Firewall™. Of course, I’m just kidding. New Zealand children are much too ugly and fat to grope. However, they’ve got a little too much money these days, so I might think about robbin...

Welcome To The Neighbourhood (Old Man Gets Tons Of Pussy)
2007-10-06 14:07:00
Let me ?axe? you this, dear reader. When you clicked on my page, did you see a sign above my head that read ?Ask me where to score skunky buds?? Do I look the like the nigga with the hook-up? I can barely leave the house these days without a greasy hippie, boy-racer or wannabe G-Banger approaching me to ask ?Hey, bro! You know where I can score some stinky buds, ow?? Unusual as it may sound, I?m thinking it might be something to do with my eyelids. If you look closely at a photo of my ugly mug, you might notice that my eyelids droop and sag worse than Anna-Nicole?s piss-flaps (pre or post-mortem, take your pick? it doesn?t make too much difference). The medication I?m on makes me pretty photosensitive too, so I?ve usually got ?em dangling limply at half-mast. You might be able to tell just by looking at my photo that light is not my friend. Also, there are a lot of ugly motherfuckers out there that I?d rather not look directly at, lest I turn to stone. Like everything else th...

Lifestyles Of The Rich And Shameless
2007-10-02 14:26:00
I love rich people! Not just because they?re better than you or I (which they are, in every way), but because they?re also a constant source of amusement. For instance, would you like to purchase a blank piece of paper for $5000? No? What if I told you that it was a painting of a polar bear in a snowstorm? Deal! While you?re viewing your new acquisition, can I interest you in some raw eggs, scraped from a fish?s cunt? No? Well, what if I put those eggs in a tin, gave them a fancy, ooh-la-la French name and charged fifty bucks? Merci! You might be a little parched with a stomach-full of eggs scraped from a trout?s vagina. Can I interest you in a glass of expired grape run-off, crushed between the fat, hairy toes of a scruffy European peasant? No, monsieur? How about if I tip it into a bottle, slap on a label with a date and waffle on about how 1992 was an awesome year for grapes? Oui oui! That?s right. Rich people will buy anything (and I mean anything), as long as it has the illu...

Jon Yells At Old Man, Feels Juice Rush Back To His Testicles
2007-10-01 10:09:00
"What is the best thing in life?""To see your enemies crushed and driven before you, and to sniff the nervous trickle of diarrhea as it drips from their saggy, wrinkled ass-crack."Goddamn, what a rush! If I had a little money in my wallet, I?d go out and get laid, but I?m broke, so I?ll do the next best thing. I?ll smoke a cigarette, rub my testicles in a counter-clockwise fashion and knock out another shit-hot entry! You?re probably wondering why I?m in such a good mood? Let me clue you up, dear reader. Just today, I fulfilled one of my life-long dreams. I yelled at an old man, and it felt great. Believe it or not, there?s actually a story behind this one. About three times a week, I take my Mother?s dogs (two very cuddly and mischievous Tibetan Spaniels) for a walk down by the river. As a life-long dog-lover and (generally) law-abiding citizen, I walk them on a lead. Not just because it?s the law, but because I actually give a shit about the welfare of my dogs. Don?t get...

This Entry (Much Like Those Preceding And Following It) Is Not Safe For Wor
2007-09-26 06:53:00
Ever have one of those days where you just can?t put a foot right? Any way you step, you?re always three inches over the line? You?re always doing something wrong or unintentionally pissing somebody off? I call those days ?Weekdays?. I used to blame myself, but upon reflection I now realize it?s everybody else?s fault for being so fucking nit-picky, short-fused and tightly-wound. Methinks some of you piss and moan too much. Seriously, it wouldn?t kill some you motherfuckers to take a deep breath, mellow out and put a drop of lavender in your bubble-bath! In case you missed the memo going around the office, Handbook for the Hellbound is NOT SAFE FOR WORK! In fact, not only is it not safe for your cubicle, it?s been pronounced ?Unfit For Public Consumption? by no less a panel of experts than my homies. If you?re reading this at the office, naughty naughty! In a complete about-face (guaranteed to alienate what little audience I have left after the last couple of entries), I?m going ...

Hooray For Bullies!
2007-09-25 07:37:00
A lot of people (okay, maybe just one or two) say to me ?Jon, you?re a funny motherfucker! How can I be as funny as you?? Short answer: you can?t. I run this shit! I?m the big dick in this glory-hole. Hard to believe as it may be, I wasn?t always this side-splittingly hilarious. It?s an interesting story, involving yours truly seeking out the lost jock-strap of the late, great Richard Pryor, free-basing his grotty, caked-up skid-marks, inhaling the fumes and thereby imbibing his comic essence. In fact, it was made into a movie a few years ago. In a questionable casting decision, Pauly Shore was chosen to play me. It received harsh reviews in most publications and was only given a limited theatre run, so you probably didn?t see it. Don?t bother looking for it at your local video store either. At the behest of Mr. Pryor?s estate, the studio decided not to license the movie for video, DVD or YouTube. If you haven?t seen it, you probably never will. Sucks to be you! But take it from...

New Zealand Girls: Too Ugly To Fuck? The Jury Is Out!
2007-09-23 10:32:00
Colour me disappointed! While I was all pumped and totally psyched-up to appear in court for Jury Duty tomorrow, the ?man? decided to pull the plug on my case. Although most people who get summoned try to wiggle out of it by making lame excuses about being prejudiced against Niggers, Jews, Gooks, Crackers, Breeders and South-paws (especially South-paws!), I was actually looking forward to it. It?s not every day you get a chance to sentence a hapless schmoe to homosexual slavery and buggery before breakfast in Cellblock D, whether he?s guilty or not. Shit, that?s none of my concern. Frankly, I hope they impale the bastard ass-to-mouth (one way or the other), especially if he?s innocent! Times like these I?m glad I?m not an actor. Actors in New Zealand have something very similar to Jury Duty... Shortland Street. If you live in a country where Shortland Street isn?t broadcast, consider yourself very fortunate. No matter how shit of an actor you are (sometimes you get the feeling th...

HFTH Special: The Bum's Gospel
2007-09-20 10:27:00
Editing my entire back catalogue was the best and the worst thing I?ve ever done. It?s something I?d recommend to any writer. I don?t care who you are, your shit can always be improved. In the process of editing, I learned a lot of shit-hot writing tips, such as to never start a sentence with the word ?and?. And never to start a sentence with the word ?but?. But there are exceptions to every rule. And you?ll probably find many flagrant violations of this rule in my catalogue. Of the 130 entries I started with, I?m down to a final 87. Sure, I was a little butt-hurt to delete some of them, but they just didn?t hold up over time. Don?t get me wrong. I still think Allison DuBois is an evil fucking witch who deserves to be burned at stake, but perhaps my ?Who Wants To Gang-Rape Allison DuBois?? entry was pushing it just a little. In summary, my back catalogue has been shaved cleaner than Sylvia Saint?s sagging, cavernous pussy. However, it was a lot of effort. Effort is work, and wor...

Give 'Til It Tickles More Than It Hurts
2007-09-14 04:52:00
?Is this what my life has come to??It?s a question I?ve been asking myself a lot lately, with one thing and another. Take yesterday morning, for instance. There I was, standing up in the shower, dripping wet from head to toe. Having given my ass-crack a thorough scrubbing, I began gently massaging my glistening, exposed helmet with a fist-full of soapy water to wash away the crusty head-cheese. As my fingers stroked up and down the curve, I thought to myself ?You know what? This tickles more than it hurts!?Ten seconds later, I?m down on my hands and knees as the warm water pelts me in the eyes. With one hand around the base of my throbbing cock and the other rubbing soapy water across the head, I closed my eyes, bit down on my lip and struggled to remember what she looked like? the curvy, leggy, short-skirted charity collector I ran into outside Pak-N-Save the other day after doing my grocery shopping. A vague image ? which may or may not be that of a real woman ? filled my mind as ...

Fall In Love With Me All Over Again!
2007-09-11 13:16:00
I've got something of a confession to make up in this bitch. You may or may not be aware of this, but damn near everything I've ever written here is a first draft. Although I've been meaning to do more of it, very rarely do I go back and edit something I've written (unless I've fucked it up monumentally.) To cut a long story short, I've decided that not only will all future material be edited, I'm going to go back through my archives and give my back catalogue a bit of a spit-polish.Don't think of it as too much like the Megadeth remasters, where Dave Mustaine remastered/ruined his classic albums and shat all over classic songs like Five Magics and Good Mourning/Black Friday. Think of it more like Anthrax's The Greater Of Two Evils, where they took the old Neil Turbin/Joey Belladonna shit, tightened it up, improved the production and had John Bush stomp a mudhole in the ass of their back catalog.So, with out further ado, here's the first of my 'remasters,' from way back ...

I've Got Your Blue-Balls Right Here!!!
2007-09-10 10:20:00
Not only does this entry contain absolutely no new material, but I've just finished deleting a big chunk of my old material! Try to guess which entries... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. If you're wondering why in the hell I'd do such a thing, it's because the entries I took the axe to (a) didn't really hold up over time, (b) were written while I was drunk, sleep-deprived or suffering the after-effects of drinking a whole bottle of Toilet Duck, or (c) weren't that good in hindsight. And we all know that hindsight is 20/20, or some shit.Hell, if Corrosion Of Conformity can ignore their first three albums (another album like Blind would have been nice, but what can you do, if you're unwilling to resort to rectal hot-poker torture?) and just play the stuff from Deliverance onwards, I feel like I can stand to cut off a little dead weight. And speaking of which, I had an appointment with my doctor today. He told me I had to lose ten pounds right away, so I told him "Forge...

This Is Not An Entry About The All Blacks
2007-09-08 13:07:00
A wise man once said "Some days you're eating steak, some days you're eating shit." I?ve a feeling that wise man was Henry Rollins, but I also have a feeling that the rim-job smile I've been sporting lately speaks volumes about my diet. Speaking of my diet, let me preface this entry by saying that the absolute worst thing about having a drunken degenerate gambler for a brother is not the fact that he's a drunkard, a degenerate or a compulsive gambler. It's the fact that whenever he does something really stupid or irresponsible, he'll try to deflect some of the fallout onto you. The conversation with my mother goes a little something like this..."Roy (as that's my brother's name)! I can't believe you blew all your weekly wages in a drunken stupor on those damn pokie machines!""Oh yeah? Well, well... Uh... Jon fries all his foods with butter! Remember that genetic cholesterol condition he's got, Mum? Let's talk about Jon and his butter addiction for a while (thus deflecting...

HFTH Special: Go Ape-Shit For The Mysteries Of The Universe
2007-09-06 13:49:00
Surprised to see me again so soon? I wouldn't be. It's midnight and there's nothing good on television. All my homies have sold out to the 'man' and got themselves jobs, so I've got nobody to hang with. As much as I'd love a greasy-ass fat stack of pancakes, it's too late to be cooking. Scratch that. I've got Betty Crocker Punk Rocker's Instant Pancake Mix, but I just don't feel like going to the effort of adding a cup of milk to the mixture. Can't somebody else do it?Last time around, I hinted on a couple of mysteries that've been mind-fucking me lately. I'm sure the Rudius submission will sort itself out in the fullness of time, but the other two are tough nuts to crack. With nothing to do, nowhere to go-oh-whoa-oh and no sedatives, I'm going to spin them into a lackluster entry. Because that's just the kind of hack writer I am. Can you believe nobody pays me for this shit? Incidentally, if you can spot the Ramones reference I slipped oh-so-deliciously into this pa...

Inhale... Exhale... I Just Got A Bible Verse In The Mail...
2007-09-03 14:27:00
It had to happen sooner or later. There I was, soaking up the sun on a Sunday morning, smoking a cigarette with one hand and copping a feel of my massive genitals with the other. Along comes my neighbour - let's call him "Rodney," for the sake of argument. Rodney playfully asks me "How come you're not in Church this morning?" No doubt he expected me, being the awesomely funny motherfucker I am, to come back with a delicious quip about how Jesus forgives all, including my Sunday-morning tardiness."I'm an Atheist," I replied dryly."Oh." The shit-eating grin slid off his face faster than a turd down a hydroslide. One of those. Sure, I may have been good enough to exchange small-talk with before. Now that I've dropped the "A" bomb, I'm the goddamn devil (which is a very hip thing for an Atheist to be.) Of course, in the glorified retirement home/cat farm in which I dwell, gossip spreads like wild-fire, in lieu of anything better on television.Now all the neighbours know that I'm t...

Five More Girls I'd Like To Fuck, Minus Four
2007-09-03 07:26:00
Goddamnit, it's always something! Sometimes, you just wish the rest of the world would get off your dick. Aren't I doing enough with my life for you people? You'd think so, but my Mother (who doesn't know exactly what I'm writing, but disapproves of it and thinks it should be banned nonetheless) is pushing for me to take a 'Writing Course,' if only to give my shit an air of legitimacy. And although she disapproves of my writing, she thinks - many of my friends have suggested this too - that I should write a book. You know what? Fuck it. I'll do it. Like everything else in my life, it'll get done when I'm good and goddamn ready, by the process of Osmosis (not to be confused with the sub-par Ozzy Osbourne album Ozzmosis, ruined by Zakk Wylde's constant pinch harmonics) For those of you unfamiliar with Osmosis, my version works a little like this... If I want something or want to get something done, I think and talk about it endlessly, sit on my hairy ass, bitch, moan and c...

Eat My Fuck, TVNZ!!!
2007-09-01 02:20:00
Is it too much of a worn-out cliché to piss and moan about the quality of television these days? I don't think so. Shit, as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person to ever point out that many of the programs on TV are in fact, shit, while the rest of you lowly peons have been greedily swallowing every last corn-soaked, nuggety morsel of excrement, just waiting for a messiah like yours truly to blaze the trail. Then again, I live under a fucking rock. What do I know?Like any self-respecting bum, much of my weekday (in)activity consists of flopping my hairy ass on the couch, guitar in hand while re-runs of Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy play in the background. As I'd eat a mile of Teri Hatcher's runny, gin-fueled shit to get to her sweet, MILFish ass, I can live with that. As much as I loathe and despise Reality TV, I've given up complaining about it.Sometimes it's just easier to go with the flow. I've got many shit-hot ideas for blockbuster television shows. As I...

I Was Too Poor To Afford A Father's Day Gift, So I Wrote This Shitty Entry
2007-08-30 12:24:00
I'm beginning to see why it took me so long to move out of Mum's sleepout. Paying all your own bills licks ass. To say nothing of scrubbing your own piss-stains off the bathroom floor, but hell, at least you know they dribbled out of your cock. I've had to make a lot of sacrifices in the last week-and-a-half, all in the name of tightening my belt. The more astute of you may have noticed that I'm writing this on dial-up, as broadband was a sacrifice I had to make.I can live happily without YouTube, Google Video or being able to load all the flashy, animated shit on some dick-fuck Emo-kids' MySpace page, but what the hell am I going to do for porn?! For the moment, I've had to revert back to using my imagination. As it's been quite a while since I've felt, cupped, grabbed, squeezed or punched a real, actual breast, the image in my mind that I'm beating my cock bloody and raw to may not resemble a real, actual woman, inasmuch as it may resemble a monster from the Dungeons &...