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zoobat - unexpectedly welcome

zoobat - unexpectedly welcome
Zoobat.com - unexpectedly welcome I am not going to bore you with medial happenings in my life, how my alarm didnot go off this morning, dog shit in the house, or how my favorite shirt had a stain on it when I went to put it on. What you will get is
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Think yourself thin??
2007-08-01 16:39:00
I was on MSN this morning and an article caught my eye. It was entitled “7 Thoughts That Can Make You Thin” and was written by the staff of Oprah.com. Now seriously…I bust my back at the gym, kickboxing, and biking week in and week out; why didn’t anyone tell me that I could save the time and effort by just thinking! Does ‘thinking’ it really work? Here are a few excerpts from the article: One: I ordered the grilled cheese, so why not get the fries, too? One treat at a time. I’m indulging in grilled cheese, so I’ll trade the fries for a salad. Two: I’ll just have this one cookie. If I can’t stop at one or two cookies, I shouldn’t have any at all. Three: My husband says I look fat, so I guess I should start exercising. I want to get in shape for myself, not for him. Four: What’s the point of losing weight during the winter? I’ll get in shape come summer. By eating more now, I’m creati...
Two Parrots?
2007-07-27 16:25:00
A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’” “That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.” The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?” One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, o...
When girls drink too much, they?
2007-07-25 08:22:00
1. ?have absolutely no idea where their purse is. 2. ?believe that dancing with their arms overhead and wiggling their butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around. 3. ??ve suddenly decided that they want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe they could do it to o. 4. ?In their last trip to pee, they realize that they now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess they were just four hours ago 5. ?start crying and telling everyone they see that they love them sooooo much. 6. ? get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “oh my god! I love this song!” 7. ?’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to them. 8. ??ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 9. ?yell at the bartender, who they believe cheated them by giving them just lemonade, but that’s just because they can no longer taste the vodka. 10. ?think they are in ...
?Porn Star Stole My Name!?
2007-07-16 19:02:00
What would you do if a porn star stole your name? Kristen Syvette Wimberly, 25, is suing her former Texas high school pal turned porn star for doing exactly that! Lara Madden, 25, uses the stage name Syvette Wimberly when starring in films like “Anal Camera 19″ and the real Wimberly doesn’t like it! Wimberly has filed a lawsuit against Madden and the distributors of her movies, (Vivid Entertainment), for misappropriation of her name. Madden and Wimberly met in ninth grade in Kingwood, Texas. Their friendship ‘ended due to conflict’ and the two did not graduate together, (Madden got married while in high school). Wimberly had not heard of Madden until she discovered that there was a woman appearing in multiple explicit adult videos using her name. Madden has reportedly boasted that her stage name was that of a former high school friend. I don’t know about you but I think the ladies should resolve this issue with a ‘...
More About: Celeb Gossip
Wardrobe Malfuctions! - Part 1
2007-07-11 18:10:00
What is the fastest way for a celebrity to extend their two minutes of fame? GET NAKED a.k.a. wardrobe malfunctions. A wardrobe malfunctions is the latest way to make a big show even bigger show. Are these malfunctions an ingenious plan to gain publicity or an honest mistake?? Since we are all voyeurs at heart, I’d like think it’s the latter however I’ll let you be the judge: 1. Janet Jackson with Justin Timberlake The whole world saw Janet Jackson?s right breast when Justin Timberlake ripped off part of her outfit revealing her breast complete with star shaped nipple ornament during the half time performance at Super Bowl. I don?t know who was surprised more, Janet or Justin. All I know is that it was the most memorable half time show I’ve seen! Want to see the entire Super Bowl Half Time extravaganza? 2. Jennifer Hawkins Miss Universe 2004, Jennifer Hawkins gave the cameras a treat during the Sydney Fashion Show when her heavy Bora dress skirt sl...
More About: Celeb Gossip
You Are a Voyeur?
2007-07-10 22:48:00
…a few months back I made the statement that ‘everyone is a voyeur at heart’. Here’s your chance to let loose and peep into people’s windows without getting arrested. Check it out:
Tough Interview
2007-07-05 14:32:00
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?” The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. “I?m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package.” “Hmm,” says the interviewer. “Well, what would you say to five weeks? vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years?say, a Porsche?” The engineer gapes and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” “Yeah,” replies the interviewer, “but you started it.”
Which One Are You?
2007-07-04 16:32:00
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. “Great, just great”, I moaned. The driver opened his door, leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper and walked towards me as I rolled down my window. He said, “I am not happy.” To which I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”
OJ Simpson Book Leaked!
2007-07-03 20:29:00
If you were lucid in the 90s, you know who OJ Simpson is. A retired American football star who later worked as an actor, spokesperson, and brodcaster became infamous for being tried for the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman in 1994. OJ Simpson was acquitted in criminal court in 1995 after a lengthly court battle. HOWEVER he was found liable for thier deaths in civil court in 1997 but to date has paid very little of the $33.5 million judgement against him. In 2006, OJ Simpson was in the news again when he wrote a book called “If I Did It” which portrays the first-person fictional account of the murder had he actually committed it. The book was withdrawn by the publisher just before its release. But that’s not the ‘breaking news’…the real story is that the family of Ron Goldman has purchased the rights to the cancelled book and will own Simpson’s name, likeness, signature, and story! I’m s...
More About: Celeb Gossip
Stripperella gets ambitious
2007-06-28 23:08:00
Pamela Anderson is paying tribute to her Finnish heritage. The former Baywatch beauty is opening a chain of strip clubs and call them LAPLAND, (also the name of the area in Finland from where her ancestors hail). The 40-year-old was in Finland to propagate animal rights but hit upon this idea while in Finland taking saunas and celebrating her Scandinavian heritage. Lapland is not actually a country in itself, but is in fact made up of regions in Northern Finland, Sweden and Norway, above the Arctic Circle. The language commonly used in Lapland is Finnish. Lapland is traditionally the home of nomadic reindeer herders and of course Lapland’s most famous resident - Santa Claus! Now most men would shy away from going to a joint that showcases 40 year old strippers but that probably wouldn?t be the case if it were Pamela Anderson taking her clothes off.
More About: Celeb Gossip
What horror movies are made of?
2007-06-27 14:32:00
A horror can be defined as a fictional product designed to evoke terror through the implied presence of supernatural or grossly abnormal forces and furnishings. Why do we enjoy them? Do we enjoy sitting in a dark movie theatre with sweaty palms? Or could it be the feeling of your heart skipping a beat every time the movie climaxes? Whatever your reason is, horror movies are no longer considered ‘B movies’. They are mainstream and the genre has even made its way to TV commercials. Check it out.
More About: Videos , Humor
Buying Wedding Vows
2007-06-27 14:18:00
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “...
Free Paris!
2007-06-26 20:27:00
A jubilant Paris Hilton walked to freedom after 23 days on early Tuesday morning. Waving to a crowd of 200 strong paparazzi Paris looked more than happy. She looked ecstatic. Though Paris has lost more than 10 pounds in prison her attitude and smiles more than covered any weight loss. The crowd went wild on seeing Paris walk to her parents? SUV and get in after giving her Mom a great big hug. I do wonder about all the people waiting to see Paris leave. They must have nothing better to do than wait outside a county jail at 12.10am in the morning. When asked for a quote Paris said, ?I am great ? thank you all for you support.? Paris had changed into street clothes before getting out of the jail building. Her life altering sentence finally at an end, Paris must be relieved to be checking back into Casa de Hilton.
More About: Celeb Gossip
Sex?the next excercise craze!
2007-06-26 14:10:00
If you thought sex was just for pleasure think again. Here I have a teaser to sex as an effective weight loss tool. How many calories do we burn during sex? The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and I felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes of ?kissing yourself? burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. So get ready for some intense lovemaking sessions!!!!
Swear Words
2007-06-25 18:46:00
Is it just me or are ’swears’ easier to learn than any other words in the English language. Think about it: -if you come across a toddler who just knows a few dozen words, I bet one of them is a profanity -an immigrant may not know how to string a proper sentence together, but he’ll sure as hell know how to curse you out! What exactly is a profanity? A profanity is a word that has an original meaning, (which may change across time and language), which in itself may give some cause for offence. Additionally, many profanities will have applied meanings of their own, usually associated to their context and which therefore may vary significantly depending upon the intended purpose of the word in the sentence. For example; fcuk, a profanity in English, has come to be a verb for the sexual act and may be used literally in this sense - “I fcuked that bitch”, but also in the context of an exclamation, “Fcuk, he’s clever!”, as par...
More About: Videos , Humor
Robin Williams - How Golf Was Invented
2007-06-25 05:02:00
If you have followed golf to any extent, you must be aware that golf was invented by the Scottish. However according to funny-man Robin Williams, it was a Scotsman drunk on scotch! So pour yourself a glass and relax to this video.
More About: Videos , Humor
Somebody actually had sex with Scary Spice?
2007-06-22 14:31:00
…it was Eddie Murphy and now he’s refusing to take a paternity test. I guess the answer is pretty obvious to all. Eddie probably knew that he was Angel?s father and didn?t want to ?tarnish ? his image in the public eye. But his stand of not taking the test has somewhat sullied his image more so. And now that he has been undoubtedly proven the father of Melanie B?s baby by a DNA test, he can?t weasel out of it. Murphy dumped Mel B when she was four months pregnant by heartlessly telling a Dutch television interviewer that it was presumptuous to assume the baby was his. Moreover, he was with Tracey Edmonds at the same time and Mel got to know she was dumped from friends who saw the interview. Of course like Mel knew, women always know who their child?s father is; she was in no doubt whatsoever. But even then Eddie was forced to take the test by his girlfriend who went on to say that ?If Scar y is having Murphy?s baby as determined by paternity test that he?ll take respon...
Escaped Convict
2007-06-22 06:29:00
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it wa...
The power of the human mind?
2007-06-20 14:06:00
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Thephaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at CmabrigdeUinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olnyiproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. Therset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs isbcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as awlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you canraed tihs snd it to a fiernd by ciclk the ‘Eamil Tihs Psot’ lnik aobve.
First Visit
2007-06-19 15:06:00
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. “We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably. “I’m sure weŽll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.” “Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.
The English Language
2007-06-18 17:26:00
English is undoubtedly the most powerful language in the world. It is the official language in countries like the UK, USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and Ireland. It also serves as a secondary language in commonwealth countries such as India, Pakistan, and South Africa. English is also the dominant international language in communications, science, business, aviation, entertainment and diplomacy. But you are not here for a linguistics lesson. You are here for the video: Moral of the story: Don’t nod your head without reason or else you might end up being ‘f#$% in the ass’.
More About: Videos , Humor
God?s Gifts
2007-06-18 17:05:00
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It?s a very handy thing” God told the couple, “and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.” Adam jumped up and blurted “Oh, give that to me! I?d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It?d be so great. When I?m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It?d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please.” Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn?t mind i...
What Makes a Man?
2007-06-15 15:10:00
What makes a man a man? If you are a guy, you have been called a ’sissy’, ‘pussy’, or ‘girl’ at some point in your life. Whether it be in elementry school, high school, college, or just yesterday. It’s happened…and if you deny it…you are a sissy for not admitting it. Are you a man just because you drink beer, burp, and scratch yourself? Are you a sissy because you cry during movies, enjoy pottery, and dance ballet? Maybe so…or NOT! Check it out: The moral of the story: Do what you enjoy, no matter what society thinks of it. Who knows, you might get laid in the process!
More About: Videos , Humor
Murphy?s Law
2007-06-12 17:09:00
? Whenever I find the key to success…someone changes the lock. ? To err is human…to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. ? The road to success…is always under construction. ? Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but if you think again, neither does Milk. ? In order to get a loan…you first need to prove that you don’t need it. ? All the desirable things in life are illegal, expensive or fattening. ? Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. ? Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?which never works. ? If at first you don’t succeed…destroy all evidence that you ever tried. ? As soon as you mention something…if it is good, it is taken; if it is bad, it happens. ? If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is still late. ? Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. ? When in a queue, the other line always mo...
Some People?s Children?
2007-06-11 17:02:00
Have you ever come across kids that make you think “that little bastard”? Someone in your class when you were a child? A child of a friend or acquaintance? Maybe your own kids? If you have, you probably have your own hypothesis on why the kid is the way he is. I’m sure you never thought it could be this: Moral of the story? Pick one: 1) Don’t be so loud while doing the deed, (maybe a position that results with ‘pillow-in-face’). 2) No more morning sex, (bad idea…I know) 3) Find an alternate to screaming the word ‘yes’
More About: Videos , Humor
Paris Hilton - Jail Break
2007-06-07 16:27:00
Well it technically wasn’t a break out in the traditional sense, but it’s still fishy! Paris Hilton’s 45-day stint cut to 23 days has gone down to just 3 days in the slammer. The reason: medical conditions the Sheriff’s Department is unable to discuss due to privacy issues. Paris is being allowed to server the remaining 20 days under house arrest. What kind of punishment is that? I know a lot of people who would consider house arrest at the Hilton mansion would be a vacation…not a punishment! In today’s press conference, the Sheriff’s Department advised that Paris Hilton was released from jail because of a medical condition. When questioned about how long they had observed this medical condition his reply was, ‘dozens of visits over the past three or four days’. Paris was only in the slammer for three or four days! And who in their right mind has heard about dozens of medical visits over the course of just a fe...
More About: Celeb Gossip
I?ve heard of MILF but what is a NILF?
2007-06-06 19:29:00
I’d like to think that all my readers are intelligent and street smart. Therefore you must know what a MILF is; incase you don’t know what a MILF is…let me educate you. MILF stands for Mother I‘d Like to [email protected]#%. Now no matter how intelligent and street smart you are, it’s unlikely that you know a NILF is. I had no clue until I came across this juicy timbit! Check it out! Warning: If your bedtime is before 10:00 PM, do not watch this video.
More About: Videos , Humor
Monster Hog - Kids Hunting at Early Age
2007-06-04 04:27:00
Jamison Stone, 11, was recently in the news for having killed a hog (May 2007) which he shot eight times with a pistol on a hunting preserve in eastern Alabama. Jamison has recently completed sixth grade at Christian Heritage Academy in Carrollton, Alabama. He shot the ?hogzilla? with a .50 caliber revolver. There was some controversy that surrounded the entire episode. Many people felt that the photograph of the hog had been doctored in Photoshop, while others felt that Jamison did not how to shoot so he couldn?t have done it. In America where we have had so many school children going off on a shooting rampage in school, why exactly are children who are 11 years old allowed or trained to go hunting. Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5, was hunting with father Mike Stone regularly after that. And once he had killed this hog trophy, father and son were accepting backslaps from family and friends. It was Jamison?s moment of pride. In effect, we are also indicating...
Girls Night Out
2007-06-03 15:16:00
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her bu...
Why Men Are Just Happier People!
2007-06-01 17:16:00
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics always tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress — $5000. Tux rental — $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood — all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks! A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the sl...
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